A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and should bring tears of laughter to your eyes. Here is what was written:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues onPharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies.Joshua fought the battle of Geritol andthe fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David…He got to be king by killing agiant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
- Everything God Had Spoken Came True (societyinchrist.com)
- Why Life is so difficult. (1safeharborisjesus.wordpress.com)
- The Covenant with Abraham: A New Identity (Part 3) (disciplefortheking.wordpress.com)
- T is for Twins; Esau and Jacob (jimlwright.wordpress.com)
- Genesis 25-27 (kdpetersonblog.wordpress.com)
- Make each child a favorite. (kswptim.wordpress.com)
- The Bible: Foundational Knowledge (Genesis) (deadtosinaliveinchrist.com)
- Forty Major Events of the Bible that Make the Bible the Bible (Give or Take) (wadebutler.wordpress.com)