The Childrens Bible in a Nutshell- Judas Asparagus – Bible Humor

heaven children matthew 19:14The following is supposedly written by a child. After reading it I am of the opinion it was written by an adult but it is entertaining nevertheless. I hope it puts a smile on your face. 🙂 It was sent to me by a friend and the author is unknown.

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and should bring tears of laughter to your eyes. Here is what was written:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.


He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.


Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.


Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel.


Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.


One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He askedsome other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.


After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.


Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues onPharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti.


Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet yourneighbor’s stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.


One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies.Joshua fought the battle of Geritol andthe fence fell over on the town.


After Joshua came DavidHe got to be king by killing agiant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.


After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.


After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)


During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners likethe Pharisees and the Republicans.


Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.


Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.


Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
matthew 18 3 little children

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Categories: Bible, Bible Verses and Scriptures, Christ, Christianity, God, God's Love, Grace, Heaven, Jesus, Joy, Love, Salvation

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33 replies

  1. Reblogged this on maryhallrayford and commented:
    Too funny! From the eyes of a child!

  2. I’m with you Darrell, no kid wrote that. But it’s still funny.
    Your pictures however, the Holy Spirit really used them to speak something profound to me just now.
    Last night I was jumping on our trampoline with my daughter and she asked me to lay down with her on it. I told her no because I didn’t want to get leaves stuck in my hair. And while she was OK with that, I could feel it as soon as the words were out of my mouth that they held a message in them.
    Seeing the picture of the two little boys at the end I was just staring at them and the meditating on the scripture when the Holy Spirit asked me, “what do you see?”
    “They’re so DIRTY”
    “Is that often a characteristic of children?”
    “Because they’re not afraid to get dirty.”
    “Because it’s fun.”
    “Do you think maybe that’s My message when I’m telling you to be more childlike in your faith? Don’t be afraid to get dirty. Go have fun then come wash yourself in the water of the word, that’s what Grace is all about.”

    May I steal, I mean borrow your picture of the boys for my blog? I need to blog this today. 🙂

  3. Love this!! Laughing!!

  4. Too good to be ignored. Thanks.

  5. Well I made it Darrell, I’m a kid at heart and potty trained too, but I agree with you, like other messages we receive by e-mail it is humorous but not written by a child, the concepts are above their understanding even though they have jumbled the words.

    But Thanks for sharing it Darrell, you can’t help but smile at a adult trying to fit into a child’s shoes but of course in regards to us as being like a child, we are to be dependent and Trust God in all things as a small Child does their Parents and we to ask and receive as they do, and be willing to accept no if we would be in danger Spiritually.

    Christian Love from both of us – Anne.

  6. Judas Asparagus – now that is sweet

  7. Thank you so much for the inspiration you provide on your blog. I salute you here.


  8. I’ve read that before, its very sweet.
    I grew up with veggie tales as a kid – Junior Asparagus and Bob the tomato… or something XD

  9. This was cute – no matter who wrote it. It’s always fun to look at the Bible story through different eyes. Philip Yancey did that in The Jesus I Never Knew. I gained a lot of insight from that book.
    Thanks for sharing this.

  10. I have read the same – or similar – before and I most certainly agree they were written by adults.

    Sadly, although this is humorous, there is a degree of truth in that many adults have equally silly misunderstandings of the truth of God’s Word.

    I have had people tell me that of course the Bible contains truth because King James wrote it in 1611 and those things had already happened.

  11. This is hilarious–I’m so glad I found it! Great to have a laugh just before going to bed. God bless you BIG–love, sis Caddo-Jael

  12. Darrell, I am reading this on Sunday evening and taking it easy. Schooled and living in Singapore, I do not pretend to understand all the words especially those in Americanese . However, a picture of children combined with a Bible verse appeals to all wherever they are from. Praise God, His word never returns to Him void. It just reiterates that when witnessing in foreign cultures, words may fail but an appropriate picture is worth a thousand words and very effective. I would like to share your blog with the many American readers of ChristianBlessings who may be waking up to Monday blues. Thank you for approving my sharing too.


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